Cock-whipped

Numb

Taken that day.
You’ve rubbed my feelings raw, you assholes.

When I am alone at home, I’m… different. I’m more pessimistic. Maybe the silence gives me time to think about that. The numbness has gone away, but it’s now replaced by a mute fury.

Anyway, I can’t seem to piece my thoughts today. So as a filler post, I’m posting this here. I wrote it several days ago and posted in on Multiply.

I can’t seem to fall asleep. Neither can I fully surrender my attention to the aesthetically challenged Simpsons.

My mind continues to be busy. I need to write. And right now, it doesn’t matter if my grammar is wrong or my vocabulary is mediocre. I just need to write. As long as words are typed and emotions are strung into phrases, I am content.

The boyfriend is outstation. I can at least, very shyly say that I miss him and due to the circumstances, actually need him to be here with me. But he isn’t and I suppose I can live with that. Though soon, the distance will be greater and the need will be stronger. Sometimes I wonder if it was wise of us to start when we could already see the climax but I have yet to think into it too deeply. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and I think that somewhat applies here. At least, for today.

I honestly am skeptical whether he will like the idea of me writing my feelings for him here. But today, the feelings flow and I can’t help but write them down.

He’s always been there, I’ve always noticed him, just never thought of him in that way. I don’t remember the exact period we became closer, but it must have been that time he opened up to me about his life.

It’s ironic how a little honesty goes a long way… when someone tells you an important moment of his life, you start to think… if he trust me on this, maybe I can too. And the cycle continues…

Not long after, I began to know him.

When best of friends become lovers, there are always hesitations. And I had a lot. There were a lot of what ifs and each was as dreadful as the previous. Yet, slowly after the confession, I began to take notice, really notice.

I began to feel jealousy at the mention of other girls.
I began to look away when I saw him glance a little too longingly at someone else.
I began to think of him in that way.

Let’s not play the If game.

And here we are, still tentative, still careful, but very very comfortable. Oh, and in love.

About this entry

You’re currently reading “Cock-whipped,” an entry on The Geek In Pink

Published:
11.20.06 / 1am
Category:
Relationships