The Taxi to Brisbane

I’ve postponed this long enough. Believe me when I said this is my fifth try to attempt an entry after the last post. Every time I ran my fingers across the keyboard, I stopped midway to think about him, and then the sniffing began and tranquil sentences turned into phrases of annoyance and whining that equaled a child’s cry at the disappearance of his mother.

How is it even possible that even as you’re busy with your dishes and watching your favourite movie, your mind is occupied with him and it is thinking him, wanting him, missing him?

How is it even possible that even as you slowly flutter your eyes asleep, your last thought is him and your dream is of him?

How is it even possible that even as you open your eyes to wake, your first thought of the day is him and your thoughts for the rest of the day is still of him?

I couldn’t have thought it is possible to be speaking to someone about something so void of his involvement and yet there he is, strongly present in my mind as conversations run with friends. I couldn’t have imagined that the lack of his presence physically tripled his presence in my head.

So I was walking over to my friends on New Year’s Eve and after hugging them, I automatically asked “So where’s Tingang?”

“Awwwwwwww” went my friends.

You’re taking over my mind, you silly taugey. Hugs.

That sad day, we reached the Brunei airport and glanced up at the departure announcements on the timeboard, we looked for his 1300 flight to Auckland on transit in Brisbane

… and there it was Retimed to 0700 the next morning.

I saw his annoyed face. I sneaked a smile. I sneaked a grin, even. I had prayed for more time but this was still a good deal. Another twelve hours with him was good enough a gift.

I went to the loo and grinned like a child with candy.

And so the see you soon was good enough for me. There were no goodbyes, just impatience for our next meeting. The hug was tight enough to leak of passion, the kiss was sweet enough to reek of unshed tears. They were brief but there was pain and love.

It was only when he turned his back and walked away then I broke into tears on Oliver’s shoulder.

It was only when I stood in prayer at the Church that morning then I really understood the magnitude of his leaving… and yet slowly faith seeped deeper in with each prayer and I am content enough just at this moment, strong enough just at this time.

And so the days will pass and it won’t be easier, but it can possibly be bearable.

Wait a minute.
This isn’t what I wanted to blog about in the first place! See, I’ve done it again! I wanted to blog about my New Year’s Eve and resolutions and I was carried away with thoughts of him!

What the f… urgh oh yes, one of my resolutions for this year is to curse less. So no more Hokkien vaginal slangs coming out of me!

So anyway, starting from the most important…¦

Resolution #1 Accept Christ into my life again

I know of some friends who probably would scoff at my saying this. I can’t deny that yes, The Boyfriend played the biggest part in getting me to go to the Church again but my Sundays at the Church have been emotionally fulfilling. I can’t think of any better words to say without sounding like corny overrated and overused phrases but the Church makes me feel at peace.

And every Monday, I will go to the Young Adults Meeting at the Church and every Sunday, I must wake to worship at the Church.

When I am ready, I might consider baptism.

So that’s resolution #1.

Resolution #2 Closer relationship with my family

Things had been a little rough with my family last year. There was a lot of bad luck, from the World Cup gambling debts to my brother’s car accident to threats on my family and lastly, the break-in at my place. We’ve lost money, a Honda City, gold, cameras and my Daddy’s trust. My brother is a nuisance and always fails to learn from his mistakes but I still believe he’s a good person inside and needs guidance from the good people in his life. My mum has always been a nag and picks at little faults but she loves with all her heart. She cares with questions in her mind but none on her lips. My father has an unruly temper and yells without hesitation yet without contempt. So I know he has a heart of gold and he truly loves us afterall despite his long absence from our lives.

So with this, I resolute to try harder with each member of my family, especially my brother.

Resolution #3 Work at the Relationship with Tingang

How long has it been? It has only been just over two months since we became a couple. How long have we been friends? Just less than a year, I suppose. How long have we been best of friends? Just months before we took our friendship to the next level. Before us, I thought “I like you too much to go out with you”. I don’t want us to get hurt. Now it is… I love you too much not to suffer this pain. It is worth it. Some people say it’s a pity that we have to be apart so early in the relationship, things can get rocky. As predictable as I may sound, they’re not us and therefore have no idea what we can possibly do with our love for each other.

Okay okay… I’m sounding dangerously close like a Hallmark card. Anyway, this resolution is for us to survive the distance and our love to grow stronger with each day.

Resolution #4 Remain close friends with close friends

I’m honestly scared to lose my friends but I’m also not the clingy sort. So how do I go about writing this resolution? First of all, I love all of you, you guys have heard enough and possibly read enough about you on this blog for you to know that. I’ve always been a little bit of an anti-social but when I loosen up, I’m all friendship forever and shit. Haha. Sometimes without knowing, I keep to myself when I am sad so if you know, just please be there for me. I’m too shy to ask, too strong to confess but if I really am close to you, I don’t give a care… I just need you to be there for me. I’ll be there for you guys too if you need me.

Sssccccreeeeechhh… Hallmark card!
Anyway, it is my resolution to work on my relationships and remain just as close as I was last year, if not closer, with my friends this year.

Resolution #5 Not shying away from his family

It’s harder to keep in touch with Tingang’s family when he’s not here. I am a little on the shy side on this, am not really sure where my place is and most of the time, intimidated. By going to Church, I am around them and that’s good.

Actually you know what, I don’t think I have much to worry about this resolution. Kedungs and Balan have been so sweet these past few days and the parents have been very supportive. Hugs.

Resolution #6 High Distinctions on Final Year subjects

This was easy for me the last couple of semesters. Just right before I discovered hardcore partying and the brilliance of close circle friendships. I admit I let my lifestyle deteriorated my grades. I got away with excuses of illness for missing tutorials and tardiness in my assignments. Depression was the last excuse for deferring a subject though it is not really an excuse, merely a coincidence.

Anyway, I’ll be starting my summer course tomorrow with two units and I won’t have much time to play. Though it’s all good because it takes my mind off a certain person. First resolution for this resolution is to get high distinctions for both of summer units. We’ll check back on this later when my summer results are out in February.

Resolution #7 Lose weight healthily by 5kgs

I’ve decided whenever possible, bring Darlink for a walk at the beach. This, I will drag the lazy woman Renee along to exercise with me. Maybe do yoga at my place. Sex marathons is no longer an option for me. At this rate, I’ll probably be celibate for years. Anyway, we’ll both lose weight the healthy way. Hopefully, by the end of the year, I’ll be healthily slim and Renee, you’ll stop fretting about your weight.

Resolution #8 Refrain from alcohol and cigarettes

I’ve quit alcohol and cigarettes months ago. Now, I just need to keep that willpower up. So friends, you know what to do la… nope, not even on ladies’ night!

Resolution #9 Save money for a trip to Brisbane for Christmas

I’m going to put away 10% of my allowance each month in another account. I might need to cut up the ATM card for that account… just in case. I want to see The Boyfriend so bad, my only disappointment is that it can’t be any sooner. Ollie and Apui, you’re going to save together with me, right? So this resolution is for the both of you too. Imagine this, the five of us (because Josh will meet up with us there) backpacking across Australia. Okay fine… so with my stamina, how about we just lounge around the beach and go shopping instead?

Resolution #10 Love Myself More

The imbalance of healthy meals is finally taking its toll on me. I need to eat more vegetables and down more vitamins. I fall sick easily and at times, wake up in the middle of the afternoon with a throbbing headache and worse, in the evening with an empty stomach. Wastage of days were common last year and I vow to not let it happen this year. I hope to achieve consistent days where I get things done and without my eyes red from lack of sleep. 8 hours of sleep a day still seem pretty far-fetched at this point so I won’t bother to try too hard at this. Whenever possible though, I’ll like to sleep at normal hours.

And I want to be able to say No and really stick with it. Sometimes, I find myself in positions where I am at crossroads because I find guilt in each position and therefore, indecisive in sticking through my own feelings but instead following others’ requests. I hope to do that less this year.

Just thought I’ll save one of the most important resolutions for the last.

I guess that ends today’s post. Happy New Year!

Edit: I actually wanted to upload some pictures of us and of New Year’s Eve but it took 10 minutes to upload this post and I edited this long sentence in to tell you guys this and this will take another 10 minutes to upload! Grrr…