The Old Creeps Back

I actually wanted to blog happy things. I’ve got all the pictures edited to the right size and framed in 1mm of black canvas. All ready and everything for the upload and I found out I couldn’t… have yet to know why but something to do with the unavailability of my folder in the server.

So because I couldn’t, you’re stuck with an unhappy geek in pink today. Except for one thing, she’s not wearing remotely anything pink. Well, red is a pretty close cousin to pink and she’s wearing a red pair of pants. Before you gawk at the disastrous fashion sense, it’s suede and it’s my sleep-in pants. You know, the kind you don’t go out with.

Yes by now, you would have realised I am rambling and have nothing insightful really to share. Though if you stick around, you will realise I might. “Might” being a really ambiguous term here. So make your choice.

And by now if you knew me well enough, you would have realised I am blogging like I was back in the days where nothing was ever certain and things were just being beaten around the bush. Of course this would make me sound like a pathetic hypocrite and from this sentence forth, I will be surprised if you still are trying to make sense of what I am saying.

Honestly, I’m just tired. Tired of what? Just one thing. The past. My past.

So it was true.

I wasn’t always a good person.

I’ve done some bad things in my life. I never killed anyone but I probably hurt quite a bit of people. Sometimes, even people I loved or still love. I probably manipulated their trust with my physical innocence. Couldn’t really avoid it, my face screamed naivety to some credulous people. I was deceitful and I try so hard to leave that past behind.

Because I’ve changed. I am not like that anymore and haven’t been like that for years! Yet on some days, the past came back to haunt me and because I thought I was doing what is best for me at present, I lied. I conveniently forgot the past. I didn’t want to face it because it would ruin what I had at present at that time.

And it’s hard because it was so unfair. I was stupid but I am much wiser now. I was wrong but I do not support such behaviour anymore. I was lying but I thought it was irrelevant to the present and I wasn’t like that anymore. It was never my intention to hurt anyone. In my own selfish way, I was just trying to protect you from the truth that will never happen again.

And yet you continue to come back to haunt me. You. The past. Why?

I guess it wouldn’t matter if I had done a thousand good deeds, you would just always remember the worst about me.

I knew I was bad. Now… I know I’m not perfect but I’m trying to be the best I can be.

I can’t control my emotions. Just my actions.

I’m no longer denying you. Here’s my confession.

I am not giving up. I am going to let go of you. Goodbye.

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You’re currently reading “The Old Creeps Back,” an entry on The Geek In Pink

Published:
2.8.07 / 5am
Category:
Reflections